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:iconjoe-wright: More from joe-wright


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Words by Rieal-Dragonsbane

Literature by IntelligentZombie


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Submitted on
July 1, 2013
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Kurt Plissken reloaded his gun. Then he reloaded it again. Sneaking behind an enemy guard he raised his combat knife and prepared to perform a stealth kill. Then he did a forward roll directly into the back of the guard's knees and set off an alarm. Spotlights and red laser sights swept to his position, and a dozen gunshots later he was dead. This wasn't how things were supposed to go.

Back in the 90s Kurt had been the best of the best, the foremost name in tactical espionage action. He and his player had been an unstoppable team, training relentlessly together until every mission had been mastered and every secret unlocked. In the fifteen years that followed, he'd been content to gather dust in the loft, secure in the knowledge that he'd done everything there was to do and seen everything there was to see. His legacy would live on in his player's pro skills, and his save file stood as a monument to his illustrious career.

He'd been happy up there, but it had come as a pleasant surprise to be dusted off and unboxed. It was true that his story was 100% complete, but he'd be lying if he said he hadn't missed the tactical espionage action. He and the player were reunited, ready to relive the glory days.

That's when the player betrayed him.

The player's nephew looked at the dull grey console with derision, and his expression had only become more punchable as the game booted up.

“These graphics are laaaame,” he'd said.

The next few hours had been the worst of Kurt's life. Death after embarrassing death made a mockery of his flawless hardcore run. Even simple tasks became insurmountable with this idiot child at the controls. He threw grenades at his own feet. He ran off of cliffs. He jumped every time he wanted to open a door. He threw a grenade at his own feet every time he wanted to jump.

Then came easy mode. Kurt would have died of humiliation had he not already died of landmines.

Just when things were at their darkest, the player stepped in. Kurt crawled through crowds of guards unnoticed. He sniped far off targets without wasting a bullet. He disabled security systems and infiltrated secret areas to obtain the powerful weapons therein. He was perfect. He was whole again.

He reached the boss, Bert Plissken, his nanomachine-enhanced evil twin brother. Time to earn his honour back. He remembered all the ways he and the player had prevailed in the past, switching strategies on the fly in beautiful synchronicity. The cut-scene began to play.

“You are conglaturation,” said his twin. “But the line ends here.”

Kurt delivered his poorly translated lines with renewed conviction. “Enough of your words. You are the one for whom the line ends here.”

It was just like the 90s again. Kurt felt good. He felt confident. He felt...

The player handed the controller back to his nephew and Kurt threw a grenade at his feet.

Respawning at a checkpoint, he yearned to be put back in the loft. The indignity was too much. He watched with relief as the player's nephew reached for the power button.

Do it, he thought. Please, just end it. Leave me in peace.

“Oh wait,” said the nephew. “Almost forgot to save!”

The pause screen turned to the save screen, and the nephew highlighted the first slot. The full slot. Do you really want to overwrite this save? asked the game.

Kurt watched on horrified as the nephew selected 'yes'.
Day one of FFM 2013! The challenge was 'in medias res'.

Here's everyone else's: [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconkitiaramajere:
kitiaramajere Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013
Hah, I was waiting for your entries! (As this is how I started watching you in the first place :D) Love it!
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013   General Artist
Thanks! Hopefully they'll be good, I'm feeling kind of stuck at the moment though, yesterday's story was terrible =p
Reply
:icongadgetsmith:
Gadgetsmith Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I was drawn here by the word TEA stacked in the thumbnail, and I'm glad I read it.

Freaking GREAT.
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013   General Artist
Ha, thanks, I'm really glad you enjoyed it =)
Reply
:iconroskvape:
Roskvape Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
ZOMG! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Not the save button!!!

Do I detect a Escape from New York fan? ;)
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2013   General Artist
Yeah, Snake Russell didn't have quite the same ring to it =p
Reply
:iconroskvape:
Roskvape Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hehehehehe! I agree. Plissken is just awesome-sounding.
Reply
:icontannalein:
Tannalein Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Not the save file! Poor Kurt :D
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013   General Artist
It's just adding insult to injury really =p
Reply
:iconezradeacon:
ezradeacon Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Brilliantly hilarious! Well done good sir! :clap:

"He jumped every time he wanted to open a door. He threw a grenade at his own feet every time he wanted to jump." Brought back so many terrible memories of my first attempt at playing Metal Gear Solid :no:
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013   General Artist
I remember accidentally throwing chaff grenades at guards instead of real grenades. Biiiig mistake.
Reply
:iconezradeacon:
ezradeacon Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I remember jumping out not-so-covertly from behind a stack of oil drums, being shot at and exploding in a highly spectacular fashion, when what I'd been trying to do was a barrel roll to some boxes behind a guard I was meant to kill quietly. :oops:
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013   General Artist
Hahaha yeah MGS had problems with crouching and rolling and lying down all being the same button, it killed me more times than I'd care to admit.
Reply
:icondistortified:
distortified Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Holy crap, this is absolutely amazing. And hilarious. Kurt Plissken--easily the greatest name you possibly could have come up with for the character.
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013   General Artist
The manliest name! Speaking of which, during my research I came across a man with the name of Staff Sgt Max Fightmaster. I kid you not.
Reply
:icondistortified:
distortified Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I need to see this bad-ass's birth certificate. Can you imagine going through school with the last name Fightmaster?
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013   General Artist
With a name like that you practically have to become Saxton Hale [link]
Reply
:icondistortified:
distortified Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, I now have a new idol to aspire to.
Reply
:iconarthurthebraveone:
ArthurTheBraveOne Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for writing this, this was an amazingly funny read XD Love how the 'wait, what's going on here' turns into a slow 'wait, is this what I think it is....' and then 'Yep. Awesome.' And that's all in the first paragraph. Well played! :)
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013   General Artist
Thanks! I was really hoping it wouldn't be obvious straight away what was going on, I'm glad it worked. =)
Reply
:iconkonnono:
Konnono Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Now I'm going to feel sorry for every video game hero I play terribly from now onwards.
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013   General Artist
It's the games that don't get finished I feel sorry for!
Reply
:iconkonnono:
Konnono Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hahah, that's true!
Reply
:icongamegirl855:
Gamegirl855 Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013
This is pretty awesome! Kinda remind me about my brother doing the same for Harvest Moon.

Keep up the good work! :iconcheerplz:
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013   General Artist
Man I remember really wanting Harvest Moon 64 for some reason back in the day. I think I dodged a bullet, that series would stress me the hell out!
Reply
:icongamegirl855:
Gamegirl855 Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013
I had the version for the GBA. The series is pretty interesting in a way with the characters and events though it does get addictive at some points and a bit frustrating. Was pinning for Fire Emblem because of the pixels.
Reply
:iconninjababy:
ninjababy Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Every time I switch between FPS's, there's a small span of time where I have to remember which buttons do what. Now I know how my guy feels when I make him crouch when he's trying to stab.

Good stuff, no surprise there! :D
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013   General Artist
I always really liked the idea that those control quirks are only acceptable in games, where simple tasks like jumping can accidentally be done so wrong that you actually do something entirely different like slap someone in the face. Try and imagine any of it happening in a film and it becomes hilarious.
Reply
:iconninjababy:
ninjababy Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I once had an idea to do a series of videos around "if real life was like [game]." In my World of Warcraft version, I'd have people getting into elevators and jumping up and down, running into walls, and lagging out in place.

Battlefield would have to have some of the most screwed up jet plane flying ever seen. Call of Duty would involve a lot of dropping crates from mid air and accidentally shooting your friends. :D

I've thought about this way too much.
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013   General Artist
The funniest thing about CoD to me is the little hopping jumps that don't use any muscles above the hips
Reply
:iconninjababy:
ninjababy Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hahaha, yup. It must take a lot of practice to jump while keeping your upper body completely still.

I can dance all day! ;P
Reply
:icondarthmat:
Darthmat Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013
This made me smile! So glad to see you back in the FFM madhouse. :)
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013   General Artist
It's good to be back!
Reply
:iconrieal-dragonsbane:
Rieal-Dragonsbane Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Kurt would have died of humiliation had he not already died of landmines.

I was laughing all the way through. Great job! :XD:
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013   General Artist
Thank you! =D
Reply
:iconnamelessshe:
NamelessShe Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
LMAO! Yes. Poor Kurt. :XD:
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013   General Artist
I did feel a bit guilty erasing his save. Nobody deserves that.
Reply
:iconwavesandbreakers88:
wavesandbreakers88 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013  Student Writer
You executed the "in media res" rather nicely, I thought. Also, I love this line: "Kurt delivered his poorly translated lines with renewed conviction." Hahaha.

An enjoyable read!
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013   General Artist
Thanks! I thought the challenge played quite nicely with the gradual reveal, I was pleased with how it worked. =) I absolutely love badly translated game dialogue!
Reply
:iconwavesandbreakers88:
wavesandbreakers88 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013  Student Writer
Me too!
Reply
:iconthe-inkling:
The-Inkling Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013   Writer
I giggled all the way through this. Lovely idea. Well done!
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013   General Artist
Thank you! =)
Reply
:icondirectionoftime:
DirectionOfTime Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
LOL Very funny indeed! Can't help but wonder if all the games have felt like this when a younger sibling tries to play a game vs the elder XD I do agree, in part with ~DamonWakes - I do feel Kurt Plissken's pain! :noes:

Very nicely done, overall :D
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013   General Artist
Inspired in part by my attempts to teach my little brother to play my old Spider-man games. He would end up stuck in corners dangling helplessly from webs and things.
Reply
:icondirectionoftime:
DirectionOfTime Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hahah I just had a really funny mental image of that lol spiderman stuck in his own web "Goddamnit..." But I've gotta admit, I've been there...as the one stuck in the web lol *hangs head in shame* :D
Reply
:iconwolfrug:
Wolfrug Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ooh my gosh :lol: Yeah, this was bloody hilarious. Lovely, really lovely. Frustrating, as well, but mostly lovely.
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013   General Artist
Thank you! Yeah it can be really frustrating to read stories where things just really suck for someone and keep getting worse, I tried to balance it out with funny =p
Reply
:icondamonwakes:
DamonWakes Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013   Writer
:laughing: This is hilarious, though kind of painful to read. I could see the overwritten save file coming a mile away (it just had to happen) but it was an excellent ending, nonetheless.

By the way, though the nanoaugmented brother seems reminiscent of Deus Ex, the title brings to mind something else. Have you ever played Stealth Bastard: Tactical Espionage Arsehole?
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013   General Artist
It is kind of like Deus Ex! I was just thinking of Liquid Snake, nanomachines are (ironically enough) the deus ex machina of MGS.

I have seen Stealth Bastard, I've never actually played it, although I think I've played a flash game that was very similar at some point
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