Raknar in Wonderland

Raknar the ruthless stalked the mountains, axe in hand. These were strange lands, farther off the edge of the map than any orc had ventured before, but this mattered little. Raknar was here to kill things, loot things, challenge things to duels, and occasionally dropkick small mammals.

Even so, there was something unsettling about this place. Something told him he wasn't supposed to be here. As much as he'd revelled in defeating the mighty invisible grin-cat, as glorious as it had been to raise the severed head of the frumious bandersnatch in victory, he couldn't help but feel it was all a bit too easy. That last lion he'd killed hadn't even put up much of a fight. Vanquishing a lion that was quivering in a corner didn't really seem like vanquishing at all.

Still, he had to admit the treasure he'd found was marvellous. The epic axe he'd pried from the dead hands of a munchkin in Munchkin town hadn't seemed like much at first: it was blunt, with a circular head that didn't seem particularly practical. However, the rainbow coloured blade held an incredible secret; it could be sharpened by licking it, and it was delicious indeed. The axe now had a deadly razor edge, and Raknar prized it above all his other possessions.

Dropkicking a rabbit in a waistcoat, he wondered where to go next. He desired a greater challenge, and the only way to find it was to continue his journey. He'd heard tell of a terrible beast called the Gruffalo roaming the woods to the north. He'd been told of an island far away where the wild things are. Someone had mentioned a rhyming asshole cat accompanied by a pair of nameless thing-creatures. There was no shortage of fearsome monsters to slay.

Raknar licked his swirled rainbow axe and weighed up his options. He wanted a real battle, and one name on his list was especially promising. This day, Raknar the ruthless would spill the blood of the very hungry caterpillar. He wasn't exactly sure what a caterpillar was, but it sounded impressive.